Finally came down to earth about all that. All I ever think about is getting better; at ANYTHING, it doesn’t matter what. Some people are adrenaline junkies, living on the edge of total destruction. I’m a fear junkie. I have to get better and better at it or I’ll fall behind. I can’t just let it go. It’s a survival thing. Fear of failure. And then I realized that EVERYONE is stuck in their own survival mode…. It’s an illusion we all hold on to and are loath to break.
At my ‘paying’ job, where I work, usually from about 7:30 to 4 (get up early in the morning and stagger around until I get my first cup of coffee) I try to keep up with the technology of television, internet, video compression, and all that scientific and mathematical study that is moving and changing so fast that even the advanced creators can’t get their head around it. The rest of the time there I do my best to help convey that information to people who don’t have time to figure out what the newest piece of video gear incorporates and why it works better (maybe). They have to USE the stuff and can’t stop to wonder about it. But in the back of my mind, the whole time, is a voice telling me to scramble to keep ahead of the big, scary tsunami of technology that’s crashing along lest it smashes me to pieces.
Another one of my (many non-paying) jobs is triathlon; or at least it seems like another job, because I grind at it under the watchful data-eye of a coach. Same thing, pushing my envelope outward to get better and faster and stronger to stay competitive. The same voice telling me to pay attention because, in this case, the tsunami is the crowd of competitors, thundering along wanting to stomp my ass in the run or bike. I guess my limitation here is physical: stuff breaks down, muscles wear, my brain gets numb, things hurt, and I need rest. But still, I plan and work and want to get better than my old self, the way I was one minute ago.
I have more examples of that achievement thing in other endeavors or day-to-day works but you get the idea. Most people would probably say that’s a good thing. Admittedly, I get a kick out of climbing the ladder-of-the-moment and feel great about every little bit more. And, as I said before, everyone is a bit of an addict, trying to get better but sometimes it’s hard to find what’s the real motivator. I don’t know that it matters if you know or not. I just started thinking about it and don’t plan to change just because I’m an “addict”.